Overcoming Holiday Anxiety in Children

            It's holiday time and you may be noticing that your children are becoming increasingly anxious.  The holidays can be just as confusing for children as they are for adults.

            As a parent, you must first evaluate where you are emotionally at this time of the year.  Many parents feel overwhelmed by the multiple commitments that they have made.  Certainly, all of this preoccupation with shopping, cooking and planning for the holidays, may leave less time for your children.  Ironically, this can create more frustration during a time that is supposed to be joyous.

            The good news is that there are a number of things that parents can do to prepare themselves and their children in advance.  For one, you can involve your child in the process of planning for the holidays.  Ask your child what they like and do not like about the family’s usual method of celebration.  Take the time to really listen and validate their feelings.  Allow your child to participate in some of the holiday planning.  In addition to taking in some of you’re their suggestions, you can also begin to teach your child how important it is to compromise. 

            Many children get easily over-stimulated during holiday time.  It is extremely important to create as much structure as possible, even in the midst of a chaotic schedule.  Children may benefit from knowing the schedule ahead of time.  Whether you are going shopping with your child, to a family gathering or on a day trip, try to keep as much consistency as possible.

            Shopping trips, for example, can be made easier, with a few simple preparations.  To begin with, shopping trips should be time-limited.  It is difficult for many children to shop for more than one hour without a break.  Perhaps, you can treat the child to ice cream, as a reward, in between shopping trips.  Make sure that you set the rules and expectations prior to the shopping trip.  Token rewards can come a long way.  Parents should plan what they need to buy, as much as possible, ahead of time.  In setting clear behavioral expectations for your child, prior to the shopping trip, it is also important to set consequences beforehand. 

            Although schedules may be busy, parents should not underestimate the importance of kids getting adequate sleep.  Sleep is essential for both physical health and for mental health.  If you do notice that your child appears more irritable, consider the possibility that he or she has not been getting enough sleep.   You can start by trying to keep very similar bedtime hours as you do during non-holiday times.  A child will benefit from some quiet time during the day and especially at night, right before bed.  Perhaps, having the child take a bath, read a book or listen to some quiet music can be soothing.  If you feel that your child is overwhelmed from all of the day’s activities, you can also try to soothe your child by having a conversation with him or her.  Acknowledge all of the things that he or she did during the day that were positive.  Allow children to express their feelings without being judgmental.

           
       In addition to creating as much structure as possible, it is also helpful to practice some of the communication and social skills that are at the forefront of holiday time.  Children, who struggle socially, may find the idea of having to greet and talk to multiple people, during holiday time, to be overwhelming.  Parents can practice these skills with their children by using puppets or role-playing.  Make this fun and think of it as a wonderful bonding opportunity. 
        Some of the specific social skills to practice would be how to greet others, how to make simple conversation and how to ask for space, when they need it. You may want to address other possible social scenarios.  For example, if your child does not like a certain food, but is asked to eat it, how can they give an appropriate response.  These skills will empower your child and ease some of the anxiety.             

      Remember that being around a lot of people, especially seeing new faces, is not easy for many children, as it is not easy for many adults.  Once you have practiced these skills, make sure to ask your child which of the strategies they used, at the end of the day.  Always provide the child with positive reinforcement for the small steps that he or she took. Continue to practice these skills, so that the child can begin to internalize them.

           
Natasha Edelhaus is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Stoughton, MA.  In addition to seeing children, families and adults, Ms. Edelhaus also runs Social Skills Groups for children and Parenting Groups. She can be reached at (781) 708-4504

How to build self esteem in children

As individuals, we often strive to master the balance between nourishment and exercise, and as parents, we are forever trying to teach our children what it means to live a truly balanced life. However, with unlimited societal pressures to be thin, children are no longer listening to their bodies’ need for satiation, but rather are trying to be too thin. It is becoming more and more evident that negative body image affects children and young adults’ self-esteem, and creates a multitude of problems.

Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Human beings have a deep awareness of self. It is such a critical issue in our development that promoting children’s self-esteem has become a priority in many schools. High self-esteem is often supported by unconditional love, validation, affirmation and empowerment. Certainly, if these needs are left unmet, children will experience low self-esteem. However, there are many other reasons, why children develop low self-esteem, despite their parents’ best intentions.

Some parents believe that if they are tough with their children, this will actually improve their self-esteem. Thus, some parents will criticize childrens’ self-image profusely. Children develop an innate inability to measure up, especially when they are compared to others and this can make them feel bad about themselves. As a result, there are American five year olds who believe it is bad to be fat, and pre-teens who are dieting, at a time when their bodies are still developing. Adolescents, preoccupied with their changing bodies, experience their natural body changes as unwanted weight gain. Teens are constantly bombarded with television images of the perfect body.

As parents, in a world infiltrated with media viewing, it is not easy to ignore the messages. However, as a parent, your first goal is to help your children build self-esteem based on qualities other than physical appearance. You can set goals with your child and help your children take ownership of their accomplishments and talents. As a parent, you should talk to your children about self-esteem, body image and what it means to be beautiful. Be a healthy role model for your children.

If, your child is overweight, there are several things that you can do to help him or her without focusing solely on the weight, but rather in talking about leading a healthy lifestyle. For one, you can limit the amount of television that your child watches. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than 2 hours per day. Teens and pre-teens involved in outside of school activities such as clubs, band, music lessons, part-time jobs, volunteer work, church activities, and household chores are less likely to become overweight than those who do not.

Families need to make their health a priority by exerting control over what their children eat. This can start by setting a good example. Families should make a healthy breakfast a priority, and help promote positive self-esteem in children. Having family dinners together, where nice conversation is part of the meal, actually encourages children to interact and not only focus on finishing their food. Overall, limiting the number of meals that teens eat outside of the home can help teens manage their weight and their health.

Children experience stress just as adults do. If the adults in their lives can help children manage their stress, this will also promote their self-esteem and increase their body image. First of all, begin by not criticizing others for their weight, even as a joke. Also, make sure that your child knows that you love them regardless of their weight and size. Build self-confidence and self-esteem through a range of activities, both physical and non-physical. Encourage healthy eating and physical activity for the entire family. Take the time to go on walks together.

If, despite, all intentions your child is still struggling with issues of self-esteem, attributed to body image or other issues, then perhaps it is time to seek help either through individual therapy or perhaps a group therapy program, where a child can feel support from fellow peers.
Natasha Edelhaus is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Museum friend and supporter and PARENT with an office in Stoughton, MA. She can be reached at (781) 708-4504 or via e-mail at Edelhaus@comcast.net.

Easing your child's social anxiety ( or It’s Party Time!)

Your kids may be happily anticipating the next party and you may be having second thoughts. Many parents fear that a party will cause their children to either become over-stimulated, irritable or simply out-of-sorts.

For children who are biologically predisposed to becoming anxious or over-stimulated, a party can indeed present issues. However, we can use special occasions, such as parties, to desensitize our children by preparing them in a manageable step-by-step process. Just as you would not expect your child to become an expert at playing soccer in one shot, many children are not equipped to handle special occasions immediately.

If you do have an anxious child, there are several things that can help before a party. Parents can teach their child calm breathing techniques. Have your child breathe in through her nose for 4 seconds and then out through her mouth for 4 seconds. Parents can even model the importance of doing relaxation exercises by setting a good example.

Relaxing imagery is another type of relaxation technique that has been proven to be effective. You can have your child imagine that they are on a beach or in another relaxing arena such as a forest or park. Walk them through the process by having them imagine that their body and mind are relaxing in the special place. Many books have been written that can assist parents in the visualization process. These types of exercises help children feel that they are in control of their anxiety.

Tool boxes are also great for coping. Tool boxes are special boxes that a child can make. These boxes hold special relaxation items such as koosh balls, silly putty, drawing utensils, calming music, gum or photos. When a child feels anxious, she knows that she can look into the box and find something soothing to play with. This gives a child a sense of control over her anxiety.

Parents should present anxiety as a separate entity. It does not have to follow your child everywhere. It does not represent your child. Your child can learn special skills that will help her battle the anxiety.

Once you have gotten through the initial relaxation exercises with your child, it is always helpful to role-play situations with children. Just as adults, children fear the unknown and the unexpected. Although you cannot predict all events, parents can predict certain things. For instance, parents can rehearse initial greetings with a child. Also, parents can role-play events such as where they can sit, what they can say, what to do if they need a break from the crowd. If this is a new setting and you have an opportunity to visit the place prior to the party, this may also help alleviate the child’s anxiety.

Once the party is over, make sure that you provide your child with plenty of positive reinforcement. Going to a party is not an easy task for an anxious child. Celebrate the small accomplishments that your child has made. It is better to have your child go to a party for a short time than to avoid the situation all together. The more a child avoids situations, the more anxiety they will develop in regard to the situation.

If your child continues to struggle with anxiety despite your every effort to prepare them for social situations, it may be beneficial to enroll them in a Social skills group. Perhaps, they may need some extra help from a professional in this arena.

Natasha Edelhaus is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (and museum educator) with a private practice in Stoughton, MA. She can be reached at (781) 864-0539.